If you haven't read my blog post titled "God answers prayers" in my August 2009 archives, I strongly suggest going back and reading that post before reading any further as this is an update to that post.
In August 2009 I shared with you how God had led me to finding my long lost niece and that after 12 years of prayer I found her. We became facebook friends and started communicating regularly. I found her in July and started communication with her. In August I met her, now 15 years old, face to face for the first time in 12 years.
She told me about how she had been kicked out of her home and was now living with a different aunt and uncle out of town. Shortly after that I found out she really wanted to return to her high school here in the city where all of her friends were. She didn't know anyone in that small town she lived in. I was always the new kid in a small town and I totally related to how she felt and I hated it when I was her age. I was so happy to have found her and I felt so badly about her situation that I found myself offering her the possibility of living with me since her school was not far from my place.
I couldn't believe I had even offered. Me, the one who has struggled with panic disorder and agoraphobia, the one who couldn't stand having anyone come inside my home to visit let alone live, was offering my niece, whom I didn't know, a place to live? Not only that but I had a renter in my basement suite which provided an income I relied on, and if she moved in I would have to open up the basement suite and give her the basement bedroom. She quickly responded to my offer. I explained the renter situation, etc. She assured me she would take herself to school and home and get a job and help out, that we would be a team.
I prayed about it a lot and I knew I would need something to replace the lost income. I decided that if my family offered to support her, that that would be my confirmation that God wanted me to do this. My parents, being super excited to finally meet her again, offered to help pay support. My brother, her dad, offered a small amount as he was struggling to make ends meet at the moment. This was all I needed to know to move forward with my plan. I was so super excited about finding her and getting the chance to know her. From that point on, things moved very quickly. By October 1st my niece had moved into my home and was living with me and my son. I offered to drive her to school since I drove my son to school.
Things became very difficult very quickly. She was not an easy person to communicate with. You might be thinking, that is how all teenage girls are, but I know how teenage girls are and there was a lot more to this than the average teenage girl behavior. She has a huge wall up and pushes everyone away with her hurtful words and bad attitude. I tried to break through. She was completely rude and disrespectful to me. She would curse at me and call me names. I did not know how to respond to that and it was bringing back bad emotions from my previous marriage. I was a wreck. I even began having nightmares of being chased and murdered like I used to during the bad times in my marriage.
I became very stressed out over my living situation. I no longer felt safe or relaxed in my own home. I didn't want to be alone with this girl and it was breaking my heart. It was breaking my heart because of how she was responding to me and the fact that I knew she was responding in such horrible ways for a reason that I did not know.
After feeling like I could not go on living in such a negative, draining environment another day and praying often for God to show me what to do, I believe I found my answer. One day in one of the stories I was reading from my Joyce Meyer magazine titled, "How much is too much?" by Joyce Meyer she said, "We're not supposed to be stressed out, frustrated and just hanging on by our fingernails, trying all the time to make it through one more day. It is okay for us to say, I have reached my limit. Yes, scripture says I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me, but that is really referring to times when we face various trials and situations that God will help us through. It doesn't mean we take on so many responsibilities like the woman who works full-time, while raising five kids, serving on the church board, etc. Maybe all this is easy for a few people, but for most of us, it is too much and that is okay. You and I don't have to be like everyone else or keep up with anyone else. Each of us needs to be who God created us to be, and we don't have to apologize for it. We need to find the comfort zone God has established for us to live in, so we can enjoy our life, instead of making ourselves sick with with an overload of stress and pressure."
That is exactly how I was feeling, like I was hanging on by my fingernails. That message hit home for me and I cried. The thought of quitting and having my niece move out had been weighing heavy on my mind for quite some time and when I read this I felt like I had been given permission to admit that it was too much for me. Then I received even more confirmation during my devotional reading time. It said, "I believe that serving God is easy if we learn to hear from Him and simply obey rather than struggle to do things He never asked us to do for Him. Take time to seek God about whether your works are His works. Is He leading you to do them? If you discover that you are involved in works of the flesh and that God has NOT given you the grace to do them, do not be afraid to lay them down and seek Him about His will for your life. Remember, it will not always be easy, but there will be comfort, grace and pleasure associated with doing His works. Jesus wants to lighten the load you have been carrying all by yourself and give you rest."
That was exactly what I needed to hear. That is exactly how I had been feeling. There was no grace, no comfort and no pleasure associated with taking care of my niece. It was a constant daily struggle. I asked myself, could it be that I had missed God and that it was not part of His plan to have her move in with me? Could it be that God had led me to find her to begin a relationship with her and introduce her to the other half of her family, but not to have her live with me?
Nine months after my niece moved in, after school ended in June 2010, my niece moved back to the place she was living out of town before she came to live with me. Her father had offered her the opportunity to live with him, but she refused. I truly believe that I missed God and went out of His plan for my life. I had been operating in the flesh and trying to care of her in the flesh. He never told me to take her into my home, that was MY desire, not his and I made a mistake. I believe I allowed my emotions to get involved and I made a rash decision. I have heard Joyce Meyer say, "let your emotions subside and then decide." That is one very smart piece of advice and I have learned my lesson the hard way.
I had been so distracted by my niece, I wasn't even able to blog anymore. It has been a very long time since my last post and I apologize. This was a hard post to blog because I feel like I failed and I am also embarrassed about missing God so badly. I also know, though, that by my sharing with you how I missed God, it will give you permission not feel bad when and if you find out that you have missed God. Sometimes we miss God, but He always knows how to find us.
Upon moving back to where my niece used to live out of town, her aunt and uncle warned her that she must obey the rules and if she breaks them she will be taken to live with her dad. Three short months later she moved (against her will) to her dad's place where she is presently residing. I am praying that God will use the time I shared with her to somehow minister into her wounded heart. I am also praying that her father will be able to minister into her wounded heart and life now as well. Please join with me in praying for this poor wounded soul.
In August 2009 I shared with you how God had led me to finding my long lost niece and that after 12 years of prayer I found her. We became facebook friends and started communicating regularly. I found her in July and started communication with her. In August I met her, now 15 years old, face to face for the first time in 12 years.
She told me about how she had been kicked out of her home and was now living with a different aunt and uncle out of town. Shortly after that I found out she really wanted to return to her high school here in the city where all of her friends were. She didn't know anyone in that small town she lived in. I was always the new kid in a small town and I totally related to how she felt and I hated it when I was her age. I was so happy to have found her and I felt so badly about her situation that I found myself offering her the possibility of living with me since her school was not far from my place.
I couldn't believe I had even offered. Me, the one who has struggled with panic disorder and agoraphobia, the one who couldn't stand having anyone come inside my home to visit let alone live, was offering my niece, whom I didn't know, a place to live? Not only that but I had a renter in my basement suite which provided an income I relied on, and if she moved in I would have to open up the basement suite and give her the basement bedroom. She quickly responded to my offer. I explained the renter situation, etc. She assured me she would take herself to school and home and get a job and help out, that we would be a team.
I prayed about it a lot and I knew I would need something to replace the lost income. I decided that if my family offered to support her, that that would be my confirmation that God wanted me to do this. My parents, being super excited to finally meet her again, offered to help pay support. My brother, her dad, offered a small amount as he was struggling to make ends meet at the moment. This was all I needed to know to move forward with my plan. I was so super excited about finding her and getting the chance to know her. From that point on, things moved very quickly. By October 1st my niece had moved into my home and was living with me and my son. I offered to drive her to school since I drove my son to school.
Things became very difficult very quickly. She was not an easy person to communicate with. You might be thinking, that is how all teenage girls are, but I know how teenage girls are and there was a lot more to this than the average teenage girl behavior. She has a huge wall up and pushes everyone away with her hurtful words and bad attitude. I tried to break through. She was completely rude and disrespectful to me. She would curse at me and call me names. I did not know how to respond to that and it was bringing back bad emotions from my previous marriage. I was a wreck. I even began having nightmares of being chased and murdered like I used to during the bad times in my marriage.
I became very stressed out over my living situation. I no longer felt safe or relaxed in my own home. I didn't want to be alone with this girl and it was breaking my heart. It was breaking my heart because of how she was responding to me and the fact that I knew she was responding in such horrible ways for a reason that I did not know.
After feeling like I could not go on living in such a negative, draining environment another day and praying often for God to show me what to do, I believe I found my answer. One day in one of the stories I was reading from my Joyce Meyer magazine titled, "How much is too much?" by Joyce Meyer she said, "We're not supposed to be stressed out, frustrated and just hanging on by our fingernails, trying all the time to make it through one more day. It is okay for us to say, I have reached my limit. Yes, scripture says I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me, but that is really referring to times when we face various trials and situations that God will help us through. It doesn't mean we take on so many responsibilities like the woman who works full-time, while raising five kids, serving on the church board, etc. Maybe all this is easy for a few people, but for most of us, it is too much and that is okay. You and I don't have to be like everyone else or keep up with anyone else. Each of us needs to be who God created us to be, and we don't have to apologize for it. We need to find the comfort zone God has established for us to live in, so we can enjoy our life, instead of making ourselves sick with with an overload of stress and pressure."
That is exactly how I was feeling, like I was hanging on by my fingernails. That message hit home for me and I cried. The thought of quitting and having my niece move out had been weighing heavy on my mind for quite some time and when I read this I felt like I had been given permission to admit that it was too much for me. Then I received even more confirmation during my devotional reading time. It said, "I believe that serving God is easy if we learn to hear from Him and simply obey rather than struggle to do things He never asked us to do for Him. Take time to seek God about whether your works are His works. Is He leading you to do them? If you discover that you are involved in works of the flesh and that God has NOT given you the grace to do them, do not be afraid to lay them down and seek Him about His will for your life. Remember, it will not always be easy, but there will be comfort, grace and pleasure associated with doing His works. Jesus wants to lighten the load you have been carrying all by yourself and give you rest."
That was exactly what I needed to hear. That is exactly how I had been feeling. There was no grace, no comfort and no pleasure associated with taking care of my niece. It was a constant daily struggle. I asked myself, could it be that I had missed God and that it was not part of His plan to have her move in with me? Could it be that God had led me to find her to begin a relationship with her and introduce her to the other half of her family, but not to have her live with me?
Nine months after my niece moved in, after school ended in June 2010, my niece moved back to the place she was living out of town before she came to live with me. Her father had offered her the opportunity to live with him, but she refused. I truly believe that I missed God and went out of His plan for my life. I had been operating in the flesh and trying to care of her in the flesh. He never told me to take her into my home, that was MY desire, not his and I made a mistake. I believe I allowed my emotions to get involved and I made a rash decision. I have heard Joyce Meyer say, "let your emotions subside and then decide." That is one very smart piece of advice and I have learned my lesson the hard way.
I had been so distracted by my niece, I wasn't even able to blog anymore. It has been a very long time since my last post and I apologize. This was a hard post to blog because I feel like I failed and I am also embarrassed about missing God so badly. I also know, though, that by my sharing with you how I missed God, it will give you permission not feel bad when and if you find out that you have missed God. Sometimes we miss God, but He always knows how to find us.
Upon moving back to where my niece used to live out of town, her aunt and uncle warned her that she must obey the rules and if she breaks them she will be taken to live with her dad. Three short months later she moved (against her will) to her dad's place where she is presently residing. I am praying that God will use the time I shared with her to somehow minister into her wounded heart. I am also praying that her father will be able to minister into her wounded heart and life now as well. Please join with me in praying for this poor wounded soul.
