The Grief Nobody Sees

Everyone is gone,

I'm all alone in the house.

Now I'm free to express the great sadness I feel.

I'm free to acknowledge the deep loss I'm experiencing.

I let the tears I've kept inside flow freely now.

I'm free to express the overwhelming sadness.

It's a sadness I cannot honestly or freely express with others,

because I fear they won't understand my sorrow. 

I go in search of that favorite toy,

I hold onto it tenderly,

I recall the fond memories it brings to my mind.

Then I search for the blanket that still holds his scent.

I hold it to my nose,

I close my eyes,

And I breath in deeply.

I can still smell him.

If I keep my eyes closed long enough,

Maybe I can pretend he's still here,

Sleeping in this blanket. 

I wipe my tears with his favorite stuffed toy,

It only seems right. 

I miss saying his name,

I call out his name into the empty room,

But it's only met with silence.

The house feels too empty,

Too quiet.
He saw me at my best,
And he saw me at my worst.
He never judged me once,
And he loved me unconditionally.

I'll never hear the pitter patter of his tiny paws.

I'll never feel his tender kisses on my cheek. 

I can't bring myself to move his water bowl or food dish. 

I haven't been able to put away his medicine.

It still sits on my cupboard,

Reminding me daily of my loss,

The medicine that allowed us,

More quality time together. 

How do I say goodbye to you?

In memory of my special little guy

Geist!

God Fund Me

The week my dad passed away in August 2016, I decided I needed to take that week off from work to grieve, spend time with family and prepare for his funeral. Aside from feeling the heavy weight of sadness, my only other concern at that time was whether I could afford to take a week off as my job didn't pay bereavement leave. 

A good friend and coworker of mine was always checking in on me and asking me how I was doing, offering her support, etc. I decided to confide in her about my concern. Just being able to unload that concern and share it with someone who understood helped. That wasn't the only feelings I shared with her at that time, I shared many as I processed what was happening. 

I can't remember exactly but I think it was the very next day, I receive a message from my coworker friend who told me she and her husband started a "Go Fund Me" account in the hopes of raising a couple hundred dollars to help out. They sent me the link and hoped I would be OK with it. I was so touched by their kind hearts, I was more than OK with it. Within 24 hours the "Go Fund Me" page raised over $1000. I could not believe my eyes. The kindness and generosity of strangers and coworkers brought me to "happy" tears. Here is a link to the page:

https://www.gofundme.com/2hkozvg

The outpouring of love and support I received not only from my coworker friend and her husband, but all of those who financially supported me lightened my burden. Being able to share my concerns and feelings and receive the love and support helped me through an extremely difficult time. I like to think of it as the "God Fund Me" account. I feel like God used what my friend and her husband started by giving me favor with the generous people who supported the cause. I will never forget what my coworker and her husband did for me. They are the sweetest, cutest couple ever and I will forever keep them in my prayers.

Ailing Father Prophesies His Funeral

In February 2016 an MRI revealed that my dad had a grade IV Glioblastoma brain tumor. It is the worst kind. His prognosis was not good and he was given approximately 6 months to live. My happy-go-lucky, extremely independent, healthy, hard-working, go-getting, 66-year-old dad who was still working full-time was changing before my very eyes. Every week when I went to visit him he was worse. My dad changed from this positive, upbeat, whistling everywhere he goes, joking around person to a tired, sad, depressed version of my dad. In a very short time he became paralyzed on his right side and wheelchair bound. Then he could no longer verbalize his thoughts. He could only say yes or no and even then sometimes when he said yes he meant no and vise versa. The dad I knew and loved was gone and what was left of him was only a shell of whom I had once known. Although he was still there in the flesh, I missed him terribly and my heart was breaking. 

My dad and I when he was perfectly healthy

I was always daddy's little girl. He would fly up north for work for a week and fly back home for a week. On his week back home I knew he was looking forward to seeing me (his little girl), and if I didn't show up soon I would hear from him or my mom with regards to the fact that he was looking forward to seeing me. When I would come over each week as his health, his independence and his physical body slowly declined, my mom told me he would "light up" when he saw me. I could no longer tell he was happy to see me, and he could no longer wrap his arms around me and squeeze me tight, so I treasure knowing that my mom could see him "light up." My mom worked extremely hard taking good care of him, loving him and keeping him comfortable at home until July 28, 2016, when he was taken by ambulance and admitted to Palliative care. 

 I took every opportunity to connect with my ailing father,

I'm holding the hand that was not paralyzed.

If only my love could have healed my dad

Up to this point I had a choice to make, I could blame God and ask, "why, God, why him?" OR I could realize that we live in a fallen, broken, decaying, temporary world. This earth is not heaven, far from it. Nothing on this earth will last forever. On this earth sickness, disease, sadness, decay, sin, evil and the devil run rampant. If I needed someone to blame and hate, it was going to be Satan. Instead, I chose to call on God for help and strength. I chose to trust God and lean on Him to help me through this extremely difficult situation. I felt His loving presence often throughout this ordeal and I still do.

In the early morning hours of July 31, 2016, I felt a strong urge to go see my dad at the hospital. I arrived at 12:30 a.m. His condition shocked me. His breathing was labored and rattling. He was unresponsive and unconscious. I was told his breathing was called the "death rattle." I hope I never have to hear that again as long as I live. It was brutal!

I placed my right hand on his head. I held my Bible in my left hand and read 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 and verses 16-18 as well as chapter 5:1-8. 

These pictures were taken from my Bible that I read to my dad that night

2 Corinthians 4:7-11 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

2 Corinthians 5:1 and 2

2 Corinthians 5:3-8

My reading ended on page 1326 of my Bible. Earlier, in May 2016 I had done my very first Bible art journal entry. It's a butterfly and it stood for the verse found in 2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; 

old things have passed away; 

behold, all things have become new. 

My dad loved butterflies and what they represent as a born-again Christian. If you read my previous blog entry titled, "The Butterfly Gift" you will understand better. Here is a link to my previous blog entry: 

http://living-waters-spring.blogspot.ca/2016_07_01_archive.html

My reading to dad ending on this page was not a coincidence, it was a GOD-incidence! 

I sat down beside my dad's bed and placed my hands on his left knee. My mom was also seated at his left side holding his hand. Two of my aunts (his sisters) were on his right side. He was surrounded by women who loved him deeply. I told him we would be OK and he could let go now. I told him he could go see his mom now. I placed my head down on his bed. My head rocked with every labored breath he took. At 2:00 a.m. my dad's spirit left his ailing body and he went to be with Jesus. I was right by his side when it happened. 

This was put up at the hospital shortly after my dad went to be with Jesus

I take great comfort in the fact that I know my daddy is in heaven and I will, one day, see him again. It was also comforting to know that God understood my heartache as He too watched His son Jesus suffer greatly and die on the cross to pay the penalty of the sins of all who choose to believe in Him. 

My dad's funeral was held on Friday, August 5, 2016. Some time earlier in July my mom had told me that dad had spoken almost a full sentence to her. Speaking a full sentence was something my dad could no longer do. On July 16 he said, "Three more weeks and then..." He never finished that sentence, but he was able to repeat it one more time. I believe God showed him how much time of suffering he had left on this earth before he would be freed from his ailing, paralyzed body and his funeral would take place. Perhaps he never finished the sentence because he didn't want to upset my mom, but in his own way he wanted to prepare her for what was about to take place. His funeral took place 20 days after he spoke those words, exactly 3 weeks later. 

 I can't wait to see you again daddy... until then I miss you so much!

My dad is even happier now with Jesus than he was in this picture with my mom

Every family member wore a butterfly pendant at my dad's funeral.

 This is the butterfly pendant I wore at my dad's funeral

This was the hardest blog post I have ever written. It's written from my broken heart and the wounds are still so fresh, but I felt the Lord leading me to share this. If it brings even one person hope, encourages one person, leads one person to Jesus, or provides some healing to a wounded soul, then revisiting these fresh wounds is so worth it. I believe God is using my pain to help others and in so doing my pain is not wasted.