Heart issues

I was reading my bible one afternoon and I came across a piece of scripture that literally jumped off the page as I was reading it. Ok, not literally, but it might as well have. The verse caught my eye and I could not help but read it over and over and over again. It was like the font of this one verse was larger and darker than all the others on the page. At that point I realized God was trying to tell me something and I needed to pay close attention.

The verse was Psalm 116:11. I was reading from the NIV which reads as follows:

"And in my dismay I said, all men are liars."

The part that really jumped off the page was actually, "all men are liars." By drawing my attention to this particular piece of scripture, God was revealing to me a problem I had in my heart. God saw a heart issue that I needed to be made aware of so that I could deal with it and then enjoy a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him.

Everyone has had their share of problems growing up and I am no exception. I have been targeted by men with inappropriate sexual desires. This began at around the tender young age of 11. My childhood innocence was robbed by men seeking to satisfy their own evil desires. No one ever came to my rescue, not even God. That is how I felt. I had received Jesus into my heart at a young age and I often asked God, why did you allow this to happen to me?

In an effort to make sense about what had happened and in order to protect myself in the future, I made a vow. I vowed never to allow a man to get close enough to hurt me again. I told myself, "No man can ever be trusted!" My father hadn't been there to protect me as I thought he should be. He didn't come to my rescue. How could he? My parents were separated. I felt that if my parents had not been separated, this man would not have had the opportunity to be alone with me as he did.

The feeling of abandonment by my father grew deeper after this happened. I had already felt abandoned by my father. First, I had felt rejected and abandoned because I had been born at a time in his life when he was not ready to be a father and a child feels that. Second, He then chose alcohol over our family which led to my parents splitting up.

Back to that piece of scripture. After reading over that piece of scripture several times, my Heavenly Father spoke to my heart. He said, "When you made that vow as a young girl, you included me." I was in shock. He was right. I never realized that before but He was absolutely right. I had blamed God for allowing that to happen to me. I had blamed my earthly father too for not being there to protect me. I repented and I cried.

When I made that vow with myself to never trust another man, it kept me from trusting my Heavenly Father. "All men cannot be trusted," that was my version of the truth. Satan planted that lie in my head and I continued to believe that lie for many, many years. Now I know that believing the lie Satan planted in my head as my version of the truth only brought destruction and sorrow. God exposed Satan's lie and revealed the truth. God's truth brings healing to my soul and life to my spirit. Since I was eagerly seeking a close relationship with God, I was feasting on His Word (the bible) every day. And in doing so, He revealed the truth and it set me free from the lies that I had been believing for so long. I used to feel so afraid, ashamed and tainted, but now I feel safe and loved, secure and free. Just like it says in His Word, John 8:31,32:

"If you abide in My Word [hold fast to My teachings and live in accordance with them], you are truly My disciples. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

You know, there is a direct correlation between a person's relationship with their earthly father and their relationship with their Heavenly Father. I have been seeking a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and He pointed out this heart issue so that I could deal with it and have that relationship that I was seeking. Yes, it was hard to revisit that time in my life, but He knew I was ready and I was ok because He was walking me through it.

I now know everything that happens in life is God-filtered. I also know we live in a fallen, broken world, full of sin and decay. Because of this and man's free will, man can make choices, either for good or for evil. I also know that God can use anything in life. He can take those awful, painful experiences from the past and turn them into something that can be used for good. That is exactly what He has done here. Because He has walked me through this process, I am now able to share my experiences with others. I am no longer afraid or ashamed to talk about it and in doing so, I am giving others the freedom and courage to do the same. I have heard Joyce Meyer say, "What we hide has power over us" and that is so true.

Being A Blessing

I have noticed something. Over the past summer, I have been periodically asking God to place someone in my path that He can bless through me. This has been very effective. God has been answering those prayers rather quickly and revealing to me people in need and how I can help. There is a sense of joy and accomplishment when I allow God to use me as His vessel. Just knowing God can use me and show me how to bless others in such a variety of ways gives me such a feeling of peace.

When I ask God to place someone in my path, no more than two or three days pass before I find someone that has a need that I can meet and then I joyfully meet it. What an awesome, rewarding experience to be used by God. I highly recommend it. I think I am hooked for life. A word of caution though, if you are going to ask God to place someone in your path that He can bless through you, make sure you mean it with all of your heart because He will take you up on your offer. Sometimes it can happen when you least expect it or when it seems least convenient. God will require something from you. It may be your time, your money, your patience, your forgiveness, or some skill or talent you may have. Whatever is required of you, make sure you are ready and willing to meet that need when God reveals it to you.

Let me tell you a story about my most recent experience with blessing others. I was walking my dogs and talking to God as I like to do. I was asking God to place someone in my path again that He could bless through me. It was either that same evening or the next when my neighbor was knocking at my door. She said, “I hear you know who owns a ferret in the neighborhood.” I told her I do. She went on to tell me that she had a ferret visitor. She and her husband were watching television downstairs. Her Husky was in the basement with them cooling off as it was a very hot evening. She saw an animal peering in and scratching at her basement window. She asked her husband if it was a weasel. She mentioned how lucky this ferret was because if her dog had been outside, which he usually is, he would have killed it as he kills any small animal that enters the yard. She showed me the ferret which she had captured and placed in her large dog kennel. I took the ferret off her hands and brought him home with me.

I knew who owned this ferret. I had returned this ferret to the owners twice previously and I told myself if I found him loose a third time I would not be returning him as they are clearly not taking good care of him. I also knew from previous reports from various neighbors that had spotted him scratching at their basement windows wanting to come inside, that he had been neglected. I have a real heart for animals and I cannot stand to see an animal being abused, mistreated, neglected or abandoned.

When I brought him home with me, I had every intention of keeping him only for the weekend until the SPCA was open. I knew his chances of being adopted would be good since he is an exotic pet and very friendly. Once I brought him into my home, I found out he was not litter trained. I guess if he was roaming around outside all of the time he wouldn’t be. Since this ferret did not come with a cage, I had no way of containing the area in which he roamed in my home. I would be cleaning up one puddle only to turn around and find another. I had to keep my eyes on him at all times. This was not easy and this was time consuming.

Now I had to figure out what ferrets eat. I joined a ferret forum online, found out what he eats and bought him some food. He would not eat it. It seems that he has never been fed ferret food and does not recognize it as food. I did, however, find him scrounging around inside my cupboards looking for scraps of food to eat. Surprise, surprise, he can open and close cupboard doors with ease....lol. Sadly, I have a feeling this is how he survived in his previous home when he wasn’t hunting for his own food outside.

He was malnourished and needed some nutritious food as quickly as possible. Luckily, the ferret forum coached me through this process and told me I had to make him “Duke Soup.” No, it is not made with ducks, it is actually a chicken soup with ferret kibble mixed in and liquified in a blender. Then I had to roll him up tightly in a towel, fill a syringe with duck soup, pry his mouth open and force it down his throat. Lucky for me, after he tasted the duck soup, he decided it was good and he started to lick it off the syringe as I squeezed it. He now eats it off of a plate. Now I have to gradually wean him off the duck soup until he will eat his regular dry kibble. The SPCA would not have had the time to do any of this. During this feeding process we bonded, I fell in love with the little guy and could not give him up.

You may be asking yourself what all of this has to do with being a blessing to someone. I do believe that when I asked God to send me someone He could bless through me, he sent me “Duke.” My son has since named him Duke. He gets this name because he makes a ferret sound called “dooking.” Yes, I believe that God wanted me to care for this ferret. He did, after all, create him and he knew that I would have the patience, time and ability to meet his needs and nurse him back to health. I must say, this is the first time God has ever placed a furry critter in my path when I have asked him to show me someone I could bless.

A couple of weeks later, Duke was trying to play with one of my cats. My cat slapped him and poked him in the eye. After a visit with the vet, I found out his eye had been punctured and he was now blind in this eye. Poor Duke. He survives the elements outside: rain, wind, cats, dogs, trains, traffic and who knows what else only to come into my home and lose his eye. The vet informed me that he needed his eye removed as soon as possible and in the meantime I had to administer two different types of eye drops, one to prevent infection and one for pain relief. She also informed me that the surgery for this, which would be done at the University Small Animal Clinic, would cost anywhere between $600-1000. Money I don’t have. I felt so bad for poor Duke. I began to question myself and wonder if I did the right thing by keeping him, maybe God had wanted me to return him. I started to feel guilty and sad.

At this point I ran to God with my problem. I gave it all over to him. I told him I was feeling guilty, sad, bad and overwhelmed with the impending surgery and the costs involved. I told Him I was questioning whether I did the right thing by keeping him. I told Him that the devil was telling me it was all my fault and that I was supposed to return him, etc. As quickly as I ran to God with my problem, He answered. He said, “Remember in my Word how I said, “It is better to lose an eye than for your whole body to be thrown into hell?” Well, in this case, it is better that Duke loses his eye than his entire life. He would have suffered a worse fate than this had you not taken him under your wing.” Immediately I was filled with peace and I knew I had heard from God.

I picked up the phone and called the University to do some price research of my own. I left a message for one of the doctors to call me. When he returned my call, I asked him how much it would cost to have an eye removed for a ferret. He told me between $150-200. I was in absolute shock. This price was much lower than the price the vet had given me earlier. I asked him if he was sure. He put me on hold, went to double check and returned, assuring me that was the correct price. I could not believe it. I was in awe. I knew God had taken care of the situation. As quickly as I gave it to Him, He took care of it. How awesome is that? Duke has since gone to the University to have his eye examined for surgery. The vet there didn’t see any need at that time to remove his eye, but wanted to see him in a week or so. She said 99% of the time their eye has to be removed, but Duke could be in that rare 1%. Through this process, God was also teaching me how to cast my cares onto Him.

The very next day I was reading my “Daily Bread” devotions for the day. The title was perfectly suited for what I was going through. Nevermind the title, the whole devotion was relevant to my situation. God often uses the “Daily Bread” devotions to send me confirmation about something that is going on in my life. It was titled, “Finders Keepers,” isn’t that funny? It talked about how sometimes when you see injustice or abuse going on around you and you look for someone to do something about it and then you realize God is looking at you to do something about it. Just as Moses was God’s answer for the slavery of His people in Egypt, I was the answer for the neglect and abuse that was going on with Duke. Of course, my situation is on a much smaller scale but you get the idea. It went on to talk about how God places us in unique circumstances where our abilities match the problem that He wants to fix. I received the message loud and clear, this “Daily Bread” was my confirmation that I did the right thing by Duke.

Here are a couple of pictures of Duke.

God Wants To Be Included In The Big And The Small Decisions

On Friday evening, January 4th, 2008, I was sitting at the kitchen table reading through the classifieds. I decided to see if there were any Treadmill’s for sale. I had been wanting a treadmill for awhile. When my friend Terry had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him money because I wanted to save up to buy myself a used treadmill. He was kind enough to oblige. I stashed his money away until the time came to buy a treadmill. I wasn’t normally looking in the paper for treadmills because I knew if I found one, I wouldn’t have enough money to buy it yet and I knew I needed someone to go look at it for me and pick it up.

This particular Friday evening I decided to look anyway. I found one new ad that was selling a treadmill. On Saturday morning, I decided to call and get some details. It was a year old, never been used, just sitting in the basement. It was a free spirit sears model. It had all sorts of features, a fan, pulse, calories, miles, up to 10/mph, up to 10% incline, cup holder and book holder. It was also a fold up type. I looked up similar models in the Sears catalogue. It looked like it would be a very nice treadmill.

They were asking $800.00 o.b.o. It was originally $1,300.00. I asked her if she would take $600.00 cash. She said if someone I know had a truck and could come and pick it up then sure. This was a good price I felt. I thought about it some more. I was still unsure as this is still a large investment for me. I also wanted to be sure I don’t buy something that won’t work very well or something I won’t use much.

I decided to pray about it. I didn’t know if the Lord would help me with this decision since it isn’t all that important. I prayed about it anyway and asked Him if he could let me know if I should go ahead with this or not and then I put those thoughts aside.

Now it was time to read the daily devotions with Justin. Justin read the scripture part from his bible and I began to read the “Daily Bread” part. This is how the devotions began for this particular Saturday morning:

I walked as fast as possible. Worked up
quite a sweat, in fact. After about a mile,
I broke into a jog and then ran as hard as
I could. Finally, after about 25 minutes, I
stopped. My heart was pounding, my shirt
was soaked, but I had gone nowhere, I had
just done miles on the treadmill.

I could not believe what I was reading. The very day I prayed about confirmation on whether I should buy this treadmill or not and there it was in black and white. I was somewhat surprised that the Lord had answered my request for help on this decision. God so often uses the devotional stories from “Our Daily Bread” to answer my questions or speak words of encouragement to me. This was the confirmation I needed.

I went ahead and made the plans. Gerry (ex-husband) had a truck and he was willing and available to pick it up the next morning. I had enough money since my GST cheque had also came in which is like unexpected cash, cash I don’t rely on. Everything fell into place very nicely; I knew it was blessed by God. They could have easily sold it before I had a chance to send Gerry over there. They could have refused to lower their price.

I am now the proud owner of a very nice treadmill. Now I can keep up my walking regime over the winter. I have placed it close to the TV and I like to walk while watching TV or reading.

God is so amazing and so good to me. He is my loving father and I am so glad I can go to Him and ask Him for help in not only my major life decisions but also in all of my decisions. I am so blessed.

If you have ever wondered if God cares about the seemingly smaller decisions in your life, He does, He absolutely does. He wants you to include Him in every part of your life, every moment of your life, big or small.

I am the vine; you are the branches

I have noticed something interesting about a certain vine-type of plant in my house when I water it, and it brought to mind John 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing." When I water this plant, in about 24 hours' time, I notice a small droplet of water gathering at the tip of a select few leaves. Not all of the leaves have this though. I am attaching a picture of this plant with the water droplet so you can have a better idea what I am talking about.

It reminds me of Christians and our faith journey. There are those who accept Jesus into their heart, believe, and receive His salvation, but apart from that, they fail to move forward in their faith walk and claim all that God has planned for them. They remain as baby Christians, simply waiting for Jesus' return, rather than producing a fruit-filled life. They may go to church on Sunday and be fed for the day, but during the week their spirits become dry and parched because they have not made the choice to feed on God's Living Word throughout the week. They rely on others to feed them spiritually. This is like the leaves on my plant that do not gather water droplets at the tips for all to see. Jesus died so we could have have life and have it in abundance. John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Then there are those who receive Jesus with enthusiasm, but the roots of God's Word does not grow deep inside their hearts and they slowly revert back to their old lifestyle, living only to please their flesh. John 15:6 says, "Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers." Matthew 7:19 says, "Every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire." This is like when I see dried up, dead, brown leaves on my plant, I pluck them off and throw them away.

Then there are those Christians who accept Jesus with all of their heart and their lives are forever changed. Their relationship with Jesus and their heavenly Father is forever growing and being cultivated because they have put God first in their life and are diligently seeking Him in all areas of their life. As a result of their diligence and passion for Jesus, their lives begin to produce fruit and they begin to see God's blessings in their life. Those Christians become fruitful.

I don't know about you, but I have chosen the latter lifestyle. Just like when I water my plant, there are leaves that begin to gather water and the water droplet hangs ever so gently from the tip of the leaf for all to see: If we make the decision to put God first in every area of our life, we too will begin to gather His Living Water in our heart until we are filled to the top and overflowing. When this happens, others can see the Living Water flowing out from us. Others can see it by the fruit it produces in our life. When you remain in Jesus and He remains in you, His Living Water can flow out from Him and pour into you. John 4:14 says, "But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” This is like the leaves on my plant that gather water droplets at the tips.

If you are asking how, exactly, do you "remain in Him?" You do this by making the choice to set aside quite time with God every day, where you read His Word and talk to Him. When you talk to Him, make sure it is a dialogue, not a monologue. John 15:8 says, "When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples." I looked up "fruit" in my online bible program. It explains it as, "A word used in scripture denoting producing in general." Producing what exactly? To be more specific it also says, "It is those gracious dispositions and habits which the Spirit produces in those in whom He dwells and works." I don't know about you but I love the idea of the Spirit producing good fruit in me. Galatians 5:22, 23 says, "But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

Just as not all of the leaves on my plant gather water at their tips, not all Christians diligently seek a relationship with Jesus. Matthew 7:7,8 says, "Keep on asking and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

And The Healing Begins....

The Horse Is Led To Freedom

(This dream occurred during my first year as a single mom. If you have read my other posts in my blog then you already know how I feel about dreams. If you have not yet read my March post titled, "Dreams and the Scripture," then it would be best if you read that post before continuing to read this one.)

(In this dream, I am still married)

It is late fall and my husband is gone away on a hunting trip. He returns home with his hunting buddies. They are unloading the weeks' kill off their trucks and hanging the skinned, gutted corpses from the hind feet in our cold garage to dry. I notice they have also brought back with them a live horse. I ask them why and they tell me the farmer was going to put it down because it is too skittish so they asked if they could have it. They unload the horse and tie her up in the driveway beside our house. She is a beautiful horse, chocolate brown with the only white on her being a stripe down her nose. I get as close to the horse as she will allow which is not too close. I start to sing to her and she seems to be calmed and soothed by my presence and my singing.

My husband's hunting buddies untie the horse and take her to the back alley. My husband tells them, "No, you can't kill the horse yet, remember the farmer said she has to have a good morning run before we shoot her, otherwise her meat won't be any good to eat." His buddies say, "Oh, that's right, then we will leave the horse in your back yard for the night and let her loose in the morning for a good run before we shoot her."

I am completely distraught upon hearing this news. I start to cry and I scream, "You can't kill this horse!" My husband and his hunting buddies just look at me and laugh. I am running in and out of the house trying to figure out how to save this poor horse from her unfortunate circumstances. My son is in the house and he asks, "why are you crying mom?" I explain it to him.

At this point I wake up from my dream to find that not only was I crying in my dream, but I was also crying out loud for real in my sleep which is what woke me from my dream. It was one of those gut-wrenching type of cries where your entire stomach feels like it is in one huge tight knot. I sat up in bed and my stomach was so tense it felt like I had just finished doing about 100 sit-ups.

THE END

(Translation of this dream)

This was one of those dreams that I woke up from, knowing it meant something. The intense emotions I felt during that dream remained with me for weeks. I often pray and ask God if the dream had any significance and to please help me translate the dream so I could understand what it meant. The following is my interpretation of the above dream.

Dreams are often very symbolic and I know in this dream the horse repesents me. That is no big surprise since I love animals so much and horses have always been one of my favorites. The horse is skittish, afraid of people. That would describe me in a lot of ways. That is most likely why, I believe, I developed the panic disorder I now have called "Agoraphobia." I have been hurt by many people in my lifetime and I learned from a young age that people could not be trusted. While growing up, I always liked animals better than people. I knew I could trust animals, it was people I had a problem trusting. I was also an extremely shy young girl and I still am to a point.

When my husband and his hunting buddies are laughing at me, that would represent how I thought they felt about me. I felt like they, mainly meaning my husband, see me as disposable and useless. This would explain my feelings about my husband leaving me. The horse being tied up and in an unfortunate situation symbolizes how I felt in my relationship with my husband. In my marriage I had felt trapped, isolated and alone.

I knew this dream had meaning but I did not know this was a dream from God until later that same day when I was checking my email. A christian friend of mine from across the globe had sent me an ecard. I opened the card and I could not believe my eyes. On the card was a picture of a horse, a chocolate brown horse with a white stripe down the nose. It was exactly the same as the horse in my dream. There was one huge difference between the horse in my dream and the horse in the card. The horse in my dream was trapped. The horse in the card is at peace, running "free" through a lush green field, beside a sparkling stream with flowers budding on the trees. I had not told my friend about my dream.

When I saw the horse running free in the ecard, the emotions I had felt in my dream came flooding back with tremendous intensity. I could not help but cry. I reached out and touched the horse on my computer monitor and whispered, "You are free now."

I feel that God used my friend from across the globe to send a message to me regarding my dream. I feel He was telling me that "I am free now, free from the toxic marriage" and He is filling me with his perfect peace. Think about it, my friend from across the globe sends me an ecard the very same day I have this terribly sad dream. The horse in the card looks exactly like the one in my dream only it is running free and at total peace. This is not a coincidence! This is a message from the Lord and I receive it loud and clear. He is taking such good care of me.

I am attaching a link to the ecard I had received for you to enjoy. If you click on the "read" sign at the bottom of the card and read the words, then at the end you will notice a sparkling effect above the stream.

http://www.riversongs.com/Fla/ways.html

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters.

Psalm 23:2