A Mother's Guilt

Justin (my son) taught me something very important this Christmas (December 2019). After spending 23 years with me, in June 2019 Justin (my only child) graduated from U of S and moved away from home. He didn't just move to another location locally, he moved to another province. With an only child, empty nest happened the day he moved. He settled into his new place and not long after he found a girlfriend.

My boy was coming home for Christmas and I was counting down the days. I can't remember the last time I was that excited for Christmas. During his stay with me at Christmas, he taught me something very important. We were driving and talking about his new relationship with his girlfriend. He told me they had shared their stories about their childhoods and their parents. Immediately,  I felt guilt and condemnation. I was horrified at the thought of what he might have shared about me. I wasn't the mom I had wanted to be for him and felt tremendous guilt.

Justin spent his childhood years with a mom who was crippled with anxiety and panic attacks. If I experienced a panic attack anyplace outside my home, I never returned to that place. My world quickly became smaller and smaller, to the point where I became agoraphobic (I could no longer leave my home). All of those dreams I had about being a mom, taking Justin out into the world and introducing him to new things, they vanished and FEAR took over. I avoided even important things such as school, school events, weddings, funerals, appointments of any sort, grocery stores, EVERYTHING!

Any task that required leaving the home fell on my husband's shoulders. He was working full time and supporting us, but now he also had to do any task that required leaving home such as doctor's appointments, any classes or sports Justin took, grocery shopping, etc. Several years of that with no change on my part and my husband left. Who could blame him? I was no longer the woman he married. 

Justin came from a broken home and I blame myself. As I was driving, I said to Justin, "Oh no. Whatever you told her about me must have been awful." I did the best I could raising him within the walls of my home, but I had no idea how he felt about it." He never communicated those kinds of things. Justin  responded, "Why would you say that?" I told him I was not the mom I intended to be for him and I feel like I failed in so many ways.

What came out of Justin's mouth following this was so meaningful and special. I always knew I had a special son, but his response took it to a whole new level. He said he told her his mom struggled with severe panic attacks to the point where she could no longer leave home. He said she fought hard and overcame it. He said she couldn't even hold down a job and now she has a career and works outside of the home in a good job and that he was proud of me.

This was a wake-up call for me. Justin could have easily taken his childhood experiences down a negative path, but HE CHOSE not to. He found the good and held onto that. I realized I had been believing the lies satan planted in my mind about the kind of mom I was. Guilt and condemnation are from satan. I did the best I could and now I have an amazing, talented, wise, handsome, successful son. I obviously did some things right.

As parents, we are often so hard on ourselves. We do the best we can and sometimes we mess up, but we keep moving forward. For all of you parents or single parents out there like I was, if your child has clothes on his/her back, food to eat and a roof over his/her head, you are already doing an amazing job.

Thank you Justin, for teaching your mom a very important lesson. I love you so much!