I made a deal with God

As I reflect back on my relationship with Jesus, I can remember a time when I used to notice that certain people seemed to talk about Him and their whole face would light up. They talked about Him like they had just recently hung out with Him at Tim Horton's over coffee and enjoyed a good conversation. I could not understand how that was possible and a part of me envied them for finding that sort of connection.

As a young girl my grandmother used to take me to church with her and as a result I had received Jesus into my heart at a very young age. However, from my teenage years and onward I had forgotten all about Him. I decided I was going to chart my own path in life rather than take the well-thought-out path filled with God's blessings that He had made for me before I was ever born.

Of course this path I had chosen to take for my life was filled with a lot of heartache, much of the heartache was the result of my own bad choices. In an effort to fill that hole in my heart that was reserved only for Jesus, I filled it by seeking the attention of men. As long as I had a man or men vying for my attention I felt like I mattered on this planet. That feeling only lasted a short time and then I would move on to the next man who was vying for my attention. My sense of self-worth and value was like a roller coaster ride.

I know now that this need I had to be noticed by men was the result of not getting the attention or validation I needed from my own father growing up. When I hit my teen years I noticed I could easily capture a guys attention and while it lasted it felt really nice. This was the next best thing and I was willing to settle. I had no idea that my Heavenly Father was perfectly willing and capable and desired to give me the attention and validation that I so desired. He desired a close relationship with me but I brushed Him off for a quick fix that would always lead to heartache.

When I got married I was still walking my own path. I was living in a common-law relationship with my boyfriend for about 1-1/2 years before we got married. At the time I was working for a very difficult boss when I quit right before my wedding. After the honeymoon I began a new job and started to have panic attacks only I had no idea what they were at the time. I thought I was going crazy. They would just randomly hit me out of the blue and leave me terrified wherever I was. I can remember my very first panic attack which was while I was attending a training seminar for my job. I was sure everyone could tell I was freaking out on the inside even though I was carefully hiding any symptoms of distress on the outside.

After I had my son the panic attacks worsened. They came on more often and became much more intense. Eventually I stopped going to the places where I had the panic attacks until I was no longer leaving my home. At this point I became a housebound agoraphobic which meant I could not leave my home for anything. During this time my marriage suffered greatly. My husband had to do everything that required leaving home such as taking our son to the doctor, getting groceries, shopping for clothes or diapers and paying bills, etc.

One evening when my son was almost 4 years old he began to suffer severe abdominal pain. He was in a lot of distress and we could not figure out what was wrong with him. His pain seemed to be worsening over time. My husband had to take him to the emergency room of the hospital and I stayed home due to the agoraphobia. This is going to be hard for you who are mothers to understand. I wanted more than anything to go with my baby boy to the hospital but the fear of the inevitable panic attacks that I knew would follow was greater. It was the worst feeling in the world to stay home and have no idea what was wrong with my baby. I felt so inadequate as his mother, not being able to be by his side in his time of greatest need.

I was all alone and pacing the floors while being worried sick over my son. Finally I sat down at my kitchen table and I made a deal with God. God doesn't normally like to make deals with people but if you don't know any better emotionally or spiritually He will meet you wherever you are. I told God that if He would make sure my son had nothing major wrong with him then I promised I would start reading His Word every day.

Hours later my husband called to let me know that our son was fine and only had constipation. I was so relieved and so thankful. I remembered the deal I made with God and I felt like He had made good on his end of the deal and now I was determined to make good on my end of the deal. When my son returned home from the hospital I hugged him tightly and carefully removed the hospital bracelet from his tiny wrist. At the time I saved that hospital bracelet to remind myself of the deal I had made with God and how He had made good on his end. Now I am glad I saved it because that marks the event and day where I began my close relationship with Jesus. I am attaching a scanned picture of my son's hospital bracelet.

I began by reading "Our Daily Bread" devotionals that are free for anyone who requests them. They are short devotional stories with some scripture to read from the bible. If you are interested in feeding your spirit the same way I started, I am attaching a link to the website where you can order "Our Daily Bread" to be mailed or emailed to you directly. https://www.rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/order-devotional.aspx

At first I was only merely respecting my end of the bargain. The daily reading time was not sinking in and the words I read didn't mean anything to me. As time went on though I began to notice that I was enjoying my daily reading time I spent with God. I was beginning to feel a peace I could not describe. As time went on even further I began to look forward to my quiet reading time I spent with God. In the beginning I didn't even know that reading His Word meant I was spending time with Him but as time wore on I began to feel His awesome presence. Now I enjoy my quite time with God immensely and if I miss a day or two I feel it and I miss Him.

For those of you who felt like I described in the first paragraph, let me explain to you that starting a relationship with your Heavenly Father is not much different than starting a relationship with someone you are attracted to. The more time you spend with a person the better you know them. You think about them when you go to bed. You think about them when you first wake up. You think about them all throughout your day. You find yourself falling in love with them. The more time you spend with that person the more you begin to talk like them and think like them and act like them.Your desire is to please that person. Your desire is to be with that person. That, minus the romantic side, is what a personal relationship with Jesus is like. Just as a normal relationship suffers if you don't nurture it or spend time with that person, the same goes for your relationship with Jesus. If you take the time to nurture a relationship with Jesus, you will reap a harvest of blessings and rewards you never dreamed of or could have imagined for yourself.

Be careful what you ask for

Over the Christmas 2009 break I had just finished three years of college training and finally graduated. My son and my niece just left by plane to spend some time with my parents in Fort McMurray. For the first time in a very long time my house was quiet and empty. Not only that but now I suddenly had all of this extra time that used to be spent on my studies. I was feeling rather bored and a tad lonely. The reason I say "tad" lonely is because on the first day I always start out feeling really lonely when I am alone and then I slowly begin to enjoy my quiet time and begin working on projects that I just never have the time to do otherwise.

When I am spending time with my Heavenly Father I often ask Him to show me someone He can bless through me. Some of the larger ways He has answered that prayer request started in the summer of 2008. This is when, I believe, I first began praying this particular type of prayer. I was walking my dogs and asking "Daddy," which is what I now like to call God, to show me someone He could bless through me, someone who needed help. Not long after that request I ended up welcoming an abandoned ferret into my home. Throughout this process he was pooping and peeing all over my house and getting into huge amounts of trouble, more trouble than I ever thought one small fuzzy could find. I had no idea how to care for a ferret nor what they ate. I kept telling myself I can't keep him, he is way too much work, there is no way I can keep him. My intention was to only keep him until the SPCA opened on Tuesday and then I would turn him in.

I quickly joined an internet ferret forum and enlisted the help of ferret "experts." I had to get him eating and he wouldn't eat the ferret food I bought. I had to make something called "Duck soup" to get him back to a healthy weight fast. He still wouldn't eat. I had to syringe feed the duck soup to him only he squirmed so much I couldn't get it in his mouth. I learned from the ferret "experts" that I had to roll him up tightly in a towel and then syringe feed him. That finally worked and eventually he began to eat it on his own. Through this process we bonded and I fell in love with the little fuzzy. By Tuesday there was no way I could even think of letting him go. He now brings so much joy into my life and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to care for him. I, I mean he, has even started his very own blog for children and youth to enjoy. You are welcome to read his blog at http://dukes-diary.blogspot.com/

The second large way that God answered my prayer request for someone to bless was when He reunited me with my long lost niece whom I hadn't seen in 12 years. She had been kicked out of her home and needed a place to live so she could continue attending her high school. This was a large step of faith on my part but I knew God wanted me to do this and if He wanted me to do this I knew He would equip me with everything I needed to be able to do this. Since October 2009 my 15-year-old niece has been living with me.

This Christmas when my son and my niece were away visiting my parents I prayed that same prayer again. I laughed and said to my Daddy, "You are pretty much going to have to bring that person to my doorstep because it is too cold outside for me to be going out much." It was that evening or the evening after that when my doorbell rang. A neighbor that used to live a block away from me was standing on my doorstep. I invited him in and he talked to me about his cat that had surgery three months earlier and had a feeding tube and how he has been nursing her back to health and feeding her through a tube. He had to do so every 2 or 3 hours. The feeding tube was finally out and she was now eating on her own. He desperately wanted a break and to go and visit his family for Christmas. He asked me if I would be interested in taking care of his cat while he went away for a few days.

At first I was very hesitant. This meant, since it was very cold outside, that I would have to warm up my van three times a day and drive to this man's car lot and go into his office to feed his cat and make sure the cat was not getting worse but better. As I was hesitating on this I could hear the Holy Spirit inside me saying "Remember, you asked for someone God could bless through you and you said they would have to arrive on your doorstep and here he is." Even though it wasn't convenient for me I knew I had to say yes. This was something I wanted to do for Daddy. I am attaching a picture of the cat. Her name is Nella.

At this very moment as I write this blog post God has answered this prayer request once again. Right now there is large Portuguese water dog in my house named Bella. This is no easy feat in my small 1000 square foot home, not when I already have two dogs, two cats, two guinea pigs, a chinchilla and a ferret already living in my home. After praying this prayer my ex-husband called and asked if I could care for his dad's dog while he goes out of town for the weekend. My ex-husband is dog sitting his dad's dog only he was called out of town on business and was in desperate need of finding someone who would be willing to care for a large dog. Of all the people God could choose for me to bless He asks me to help my ex-husband. You may find this surprising, especially if you have read some of my other blog posts, but I gladly obliged.

You will notice a pattern here, that there are a lot of animals I am blessing rather than humans. All I can say is God knows my heart and my love for animals and He meets your passion with His need. In this way I am able to help an animal in need which, in turn, helps the human attached to the animal. He also knew my heart for my niece and how fervently I prayed for her over the years.

The conclusion of this blog story is this; be careful what you ask God for because when He answers it will most likely not happen at the most convenient time and you won't necessarily "feel" like doing it. You will be required to move past your flesh (what you feel like doing) and move in the Spirit (what the Holy Spirit inside you wants to do). This is not always easy to do and it does require some practice but once you begin to allow God to use you in this way it is unbelievably rewarding. So go ahead, I dare you to ask God to send you someone He can bless through you and see what happens.

I offer this challenge to all of my readers. If you will do this challenge and God answers your request please send me a message and let me know what happened. I would love to hear about it and if it is alright with you I would love to share your story on my blog. Some people are deceived into believing that being a Christian is boring and for wimpy people. I can definitely say from my own personal experience that that statement could not be further from the truth.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself

I am sure many of you have heard sermon's about forgiveness; I know I have. Anyone who has been living on this earth for any amount of time has had the opportunity to practice forgiveness. Some of you have had many more opportunities to practice forgiveness than others. It is very clear that since we live in a fallen, broken world people will disappoint us; some will hurt us, some will betray us, and some will leave us either through death or by choice.

For me personally, I have been living on this earth for over 40 years now and I have had many opportunities to practice forgiveness. For many years I did not forgive my offenders. I held on to it and let it fester and grow into bitterness and resentment until it poisoned my thoughts, my attitude and my life.

It was not an easy road to take, forgiveness that is. It was a choice I finally made later in life. I can also honestly say that the consequences of unforgiveness was a much harsher, more painful road. I forgave my father for choosing alcohol over his family. I grew up with alcoholism and as a result my parents separated for about three years. When they turned their lives completely over to God He worked a tremendous miracle in their individual lives and in thier marriage. They have a truly amazing story about the healing power of God.

During the time my parents were separated there was a man who used to deliver fresh farm eggs to our home in the city. My mom was a working, single mom trying to raise two young kids and pay a mortgage. This man obviously knew her work schedule and one day he chose to come by early when he knew she would not be home. My younger brother and I would walk home from school and be alone until my mom arrived home from work. I was about 10 or 11 years old. This man, the eggman I used to call him, found his way into my bedroom. I can remember he had the strangest look in his eyes and a wierd smirk on his face. He chased me around my bed until he caught me. He pinned me down on my bed and laid on top of me. I can remember being so scared and that I couldn't breath due to the weight of this large man laying on my tiny frame. Thankfully, my younger brother came home from school shortly after that and showed up in my room, but not before leaving a permanent scar on my young, innocent soul.

The "eggman" was my first experience with sexual assault. I had many more sexual assaults that followed throughout my life. At one time I had made friends with a man who was my hair dresser. I thought I knew him and I trusted him as my friend. One night he went from being my good friend whom I trusted to sexually assaulting me. As he was leaving my room afterwards he turned and looked at me laying on my bed with my clothes torn in pieces and said, "Don't be mad, I just wanted to show you what you were missing."

One Valentine's Day evening after I had been dating my boyfriend for over a year and he had been pressuring me to have sex with him, I gave in and promised him I would sleep with him on Valentine's night. I was a virgin at the time and had every intention of saving myself until I was married. After all the pressure I received from my boyfriend I convinced myself that I loved him and that I would marry him someday so it might be alright for me to sleep with him before marriage. As Valentine's evening progressed and we were starting to "make out" on his bed I got scared and changed my mind. I told him to stop but he didn't. I tried to move away from him until my head was touching the wall in the corner of his bed. I had nowhere left I could move and he was a very strong man. I didn't know it at the time but I had been date-raped by my boyfriend, what a way to lose my virginity.

I have never openly discussed these events from my past. I have only shared these stories with a few close friends and family members. I wanted to share these stories with you in order to give you some idea where I have come from on the road to forgiveness. I have had many other opportunities to exercise forgiveness. I used to blame my father for not being there to protect me when that "eggman" came into my bedroom. I held on to a lot of bitterness over that. I have had many other sexual assault incidents. I have had some really bad bosses in my lifetime. I have had friends betray me and a husband who left me.

A few years after receiving Jesus back into my life the Holy Spirit began to deal with my heart on the subject of forgiveness. I had a long list of people to forgive, let me tell you. At first it was just a simple act of obedience where I said I forgave them but I didn't feel it in my heart. A year or so later I was reading a book that described forgiveness for me in a way that made it easier for me to consider truly forgiving. In this book he said, "When you forgive others, you are not letting them off the hook but giving them to God, still wiggling on the hook. You are now off the hook."1 For some reason that stuck with me and made it easier for me to release all of those people I was trying to hold accountable through my own unforgiveness, bitterness, anger and resentment.

After my husband left me I also made the choice to forgive him. At first it was just words but I did not feel it in my heart. I had also read in another book that if I had truly forgiven someone then I would be able to pray for God to bless them so I decided to pray for God to bless my ex-husband. At first it was just empty words without any feelings involved but my heart began to catch up with my brain and line up with the choice I had made to forgive.

This does not mean that I have forgotten the bad things that have happened to me. It means I can now finally think about those events and talk about those events without them having any negative emotional power over me anymore. It has been a truly freeing and rewarding experience. Now when I talk about my past negative experiences I am doing so to show the healing power of Jesus in my life.

John 8:36 (New Living Translation)
So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.

1 - Sentence is from A More Excellent Way by Henry W. Wright (Pleasant Valley Publications, Seventh Edition, March 2005), p. 98.