A Mother's Guilt

Justin (my son) taught me something very important this Christmas (December 2019). After spending 23 years with me, in June 2019 Justin (my only child) graduated from U of S and moved away from home. He didn't just move to another location locally, he moved to another province. With an only child, empty nest happened the day he moved. He settled into his new place and not long after he found a girlfriend.

My boy was coming home for Christmas and I was counting down the days. I can't remember the last time I was that excited for Christmas. During his stay with me at Christmas, he taught me something very important. We were driving and talking about his new relationship with his girlfriend. He told me they had shared their stories about their childhoods and their parents. Immediately,  I felt guilt and condemnation. I was horrified at the thought of what he might have shared about me. I wasn't the mom I had wanted to be for him and felt tremendous guilt.

Justin spent his childhood years with a mom who was crippled with anxiety and panic attacks. If I experienced a panic attack anyplace outside my home, I never returned to that place. My world quickly became smaller and smaller, to the point where I became agoraphobic (I could no longer leave my home). All of those dreams I had about being a mom, taking Justin out into the world and introducing him to new things, they vanished and FEAR took over. I avoided even important things such as school, school events, weddings, funerals, appointments of any sort, grocery stores, EVERYTHING!

Any task that required leaving the home fell on my husband's shoulders. He was working full time and supporting us, but now he also had to do any task that required leaving home such as doctor's appointments, any classes or sports Justin took, grocery shopping, etc. Several years of that with no change on my part and my husband left. Who could blame him? I was no longer the woman he married. 

Justin came from a broken home and I blame myself. As I was driving, I said to Justin, "Oh no. Whatever you told her about me must have been awful." I did the best I could raising him within the walls of my home, but I had no idea how he felt about it." He never communicated those kinds of things. Justin  responded, "Why would you say that?" I told him I was not the mom I intended to be for him and I feel like I failed in so many ways.

What came out of Justin's mouth following this was so meaningful and special. I always knew I had a special son, but his response took it to a whole new level. He said he told her his mom struggled with severe panic attacks to the point where she could no longer leave home. He said she fought hard and overcame it. He said she couldn't even hold down a job and now she has a career and works outside of the home in a good job and that he was proud of me.

This was a wake-up call for me. Justin could have easily taken his childhood experiences down a negative path, but HE CHOSE not to. He found the good and held onto that. I realized I had been believing the lies satan planted in my mind about the kind of mom I was. Guilt and condemnation are from satan. I did the best I could and now I have an amazing, talented, wise, handsome, successful son. I obviously did some things right.

As parents, we are often so hard on ourselves. We do the best we can and sometimes we mess up, but we keep moving forward. For all of you parents or single parents out there like I was, if your child has clothes on his/her back, food to eat and a roof over his/her head, you are already doing an amazing job.

Thank you Justin, for teaching your mom a very important lesson. I love you so much!

Blessing in Disguise

This Thanksgiving long weekend has me thinking about the things for which I'm grateful, the most recent being a new job. In September 2016, I started working for a group of 5 doctors. It didn't take me long to realize this was not the type of work I wanted to do long term.

Originally, I had completed a course in medical transcription and at one point I ran my own home-based transcription business. When voice-to-text software became available, I lost a major account and was forced to look for work elsewhere. Working for these 5 doctors was my second job in a doctor's office. This job gave me opportunities to do some transcription work, but unfortunately there were many other demands for my time as well. I became increasingly unhappy in my work. I updated my resume and actively began searching for something else.

On Friday, August 24, 2018, two of my doctor bosses called me into their office to talk. They sat down on one side of the desk and I sat across from them. The tension in the air felt almost tangible. One of them was breathing fast and shallow. I knew whatever he was about to say was not going to be good. He proceeded to say that due to staffing issues they had to let me go. This news was completely unexpected. I took a deep breath. I sensed God's presence and in my spirit I heard Him say, "You're going to be OK. Stay calm! I want you to receive this news with grace. The way you respond is going to speak volumes." I could see how nervous they both were. I calmly accepted the news and listened to their explanations. I could tell they felt bad. When they were done, I calmly asked them to keep me in mind if they ever hear about a job opening in the transcription department at the hospital.

I delivered the news to my coworkers, packed my things and went out for lunch with one of my coworker friends. I was feeling rejected which never feels good and wondering "why me." When I arrived at home my cell phone rang. It was one of my bosses. He had gone straight to the hospital to work after speaking with me and made a few phone calls. He gave me the name and number of the person I needed to contact about a transcription job at the hospital. I set up an interview, did some tests and was offered the job.

Exactly one month after being let go, I began working for the transcription department at the hospital. The hospital is Catholic so there are pictures of Jesus and crosses everywhere. There is a chapel and every morning there is a prayer that goes out across the sound system. I love my new job and I'm very happy.

God is good! He had a plan and because I followed his guidance I was able to move forward into that plan.

The Grief Nobody Sees

Everyone is gone,

I'm all alone in the house.

Now I'm free to express the great sadness I feel.

I'm free to acknowledge the deep loss I'm experiencing.

I let the tears I've kept inside flow freely now.

I'm free to express the overwhelming sadness.

It's a sadness I cannot honestly or freely express with others,

because I fear they won't understand my sorrow. 

I go in search of that favorite toy,

I hold onto it tenderly,

I recall the fond memories it brings to my mind.

Then I search for the blanket that still holds his scent.

I hold it to my nose,

I close my eyes,

And I breath in deeply.

I can still smell him.

If I keep my eyes closed long enough,

Maybe I can pretend he's still here,

Sleeping in this blanket. 

I wipe my tears with his favorite stuffed toy,

It only seems right. 

I miss saying his name,

I call out his name into the empty room,

But it's only met with silence.

The house feels too empty,

Too quiet.
He saw me at my best,
And he saw me at my worst.
He never judged me once,
And he loved me unconditionally.

I'll never hear the pitter patter of his tiny paws.

I'll never feel his tender kisses on my cheek. 

I can't bring myself to move his water bowl or food dish. 

I haven't been able to put away his medicine.

It still sits on my cupboard,

Reminding me daily of my loss,

The medicine that allowed us,

More quality time together. 

How do I say goodbye to you?

In memory of my special little guy

Geist!

She's Pregnant!

I had been working at the same job for about 2 years. My newest coworker I had been working with for about 9 months. One day I walked past her desk and I felt the Lord say to me in my Spirit, "this young lady is pregnant and scared, I want you to encourage her." I should know better because this has happened before, but I questioned what I heard. I wondered if it was an overactive imagination. I thought about how silly I would look if this "feeling I had" was wrong. I must admit, I did cheat a little. When my pregnant coworker was not in the room, I wrote on a small sticky note, "She is pregnant!" and held it up for another coworker. They are friends outside of the office and I knew if anyone knows she is pregnant it would be her. Her "how did you know?" response put my mind at ease. 

A few days passed and I had gone shopping for a small gift and an encouraging card to give to my coworker. On this particular day she had to leave work early for a doctor's appointment. I told her to come talk to me before she leaves because I had a present I wanted to give to her in private. When she was about to leave I met her in the kitchen and gave her the gift. Since I knew no other coworkers knew about her pregnancy, I told her to open it later. She looked a bit confused but smiled and left. 

Later on I received a text from her asking how I knew and that I made her cry, in a good way. I told her God told me. To this day I'm still not sure if she believes me or if she believes her coworker friend told me, but I'm glad I listened to the voice of the Lord and had the opportunity to bless her. Being a new mom is scary and we all need encouragement sometimes. 

The Promotion

It was Tuesday morning on August 9, 2016. I was on my way to a 9 a.m. echocardiogram appointment. My family physician had recently discovered a heart murmur and set up this appointment to get more details. I like to pray when I'm driving to work. I decided to pray for a promotion. I had been working at my current job for almost 2 years and had not yet received a pay raise. With the cost of living going up each year and my wage staying the same, I saw the need for increase. I asked God to grant me favour at work so that I would get a raise. I also said if that's not going to happen then please open the door and give me favour in the way of a new, better-paying job. I thanked Him for hearing my prayers and told Him I trusted that He was at work, behind the scenes, in my life. 

I was wearing my work scrubs that morning since I was going straight to work after my appointment. While the sonographer performed my echo she asked me where I worked and what I did. She mentioned they were hiring and asked if I might be interested. I thought, sure why not, so I said sure. When she was finished she introduced me to the lady who was setting up the interviews for the new medical office assistant position. We set up an interview appointment for August 11 right after work. I had walked in for an ultrasound of my heart and walked out with a job interview. Holy Smokes! As I walked out of the clinic, I could not believe what had just happened. I recognized it as God granting me favour immediately. 

As soon as I finished work on August 11 I went straight to the job interview. They had people coming and going for interviews. I sat down and waited for my name to be called. I prayed and told God that I trusted Him and if this was His way of providing better finances for me then I wouldn't worry about what to say at the interview. I quickly thought about a number in my head on what type of a wage I was expecting just in case they asked that question. I took a deep breath and left it in God's hands. 

My name was called. I was my turn. I walked into a room that had 3 out of the 5 cardiologists sitting there waiting to interview me at a long conference room table. The office manager was there as well. One of the first questions they asked was how much was I expecting to be paid. I spit out the number I had come up with a few minutes earlier. The interview lasted longer than the previous lady's interview before me. It went very well. One of the doctors commented that I interview very well. We wrapped things up, shook hands and I left feeling very good about it. 

Saturday afternoon, August 13, 2016, I was shopping at Michael's craft store. I received a text message from one of the doctors who interviewed me. They were about to send me an email with a job offer in a few minutes and just wanted to confirm my information. I could not believe I was hearing from them so soon, and on the weekend yet. The offer was exactly what I had asked for, plus I was going to have my own indoor parkade parking spot. No more having to scrape snow and ice off my windshield or brave the elements. I knew this was the promotion I was praying for. I accepted the offer. My first day at the new clinic was September 6, 2016. 

Was I nervous? You bet I was! I was leaving the comfort and familiarity of my current job. I was leaving behind some very good coworker friends whom I knew I was going to miss. I was walking into completely foreign territory. I didn't know a soul, but since I knew God was leading me to this new place, He equipped me with the inner confidence and peace I needed. 

On August 21 as I was spending time reading God's Word, He confirmed this new job was from Him by leading me to a scripture that reads:

Deuteronomy 1:21

Look, the Lord your God has set the land before you; go up and possess it, as the Lord God of your fathers has spoken to you, do not fear or be discouraged.

God was basically saying to me personally, "Look, I have setup a new office job for you, go up to the 9th floor and possess it, as the Lord God of your father (who has recently joined me) has spoken to you, do not fear or be discouraged. Wow God!!! I started my new job one day shy of being exactly one month since my dad's funeral. 

My Bible Art Entry

How things were changing so quickly in my life. My only concern now was how to avoid leaving a giant oil puddle on my parking spot floor. My van leaked oil and I was embarrassed at the thought of one of them noticing my puddle or my old van. The driver's door handle no longer worked so I either had to have the window down so I could reach in, unlock and open my door or I had to climb in through the passenger side. Also, my driver's power window no longer went up so it was pretty much permanently halfway down. Needless to say, it made my drives very interesting and challenging during days of precipitation and cold. 

As if this new job promotion was not enough, my mom came across a vehicle my uncle was trying to sell. With some of the money she inherited from my dad's passing, she decided to buy me this new car. I went from driving an old 1995 Pontiac Trans Sport van to a 2007 Buick Allure. God is Amazing!