I made a deal with God

As I reflect back on my relationship with Jesus, I can remember a time when I used to notice that certain people seemed to talk about Him and their whole face would light up. They talked about Him like they had just recently hung out with Him at Tim Horton's over coffee and enjoyed a good conversation. I could not understand how that was possible and a part of me envied them for finding that sort of connection.

As a young girl my grandmother used to take me to church with her and as a result I had received Jesus into my heart at a very young age. However, from my teenage years and onward I had forgotten all about Him. I decided I was going to chart my own path in life rather than take the well-thought-out path filled with God's blessings that He had made for me before I was ever born.

Of course this path I had chosen to take for my life was filled with a lot of heartache, much of the heartache was the result of my own bad choices. In an effort to fill that hole in my heart that was reserved only for Jesus, I filled it by seeking the attention of men. As long as I had a man or men vying for my attention I felt like I mattered on this planet. That feeling only lasted a short time and then I would move on to the next man who was vying for my attention. My sense of self-worth and value was like a roller coaster ride.

I know now that this need I had to be noticed by men was the result of not getting the attention or validation I needed from my own father growing up. When I hit my teen years I noticed I could easily capture a guys attention and while it lasted it felt really nice. This was the next best thing and I was willing to settle. I had no idea that my Heavenly Father was perfectly willing and capable and desired to give me the attention and validation that I so desired. He desired a close relationship with me but I brushed Him off for a quick fix that would always lead to heartache.

When I got married I was still walking my own path. I was living in a common-law relationship with my boyfriend for about 1-1/2 years before we got married. At the time I was working for a very difficult boss when I quit right before my wedding. After the honeymoon I began a new job and started to have panic attacks only I had no idea what they were at the time. I thought I was going crazy. They would just randomly hit me out of the blue and leave me terrified wherever I was. I can remember my very first panic attack which was while I was attending a training seminar for my job. I was sure everyone could tell I was freaking out on the inside even though I was carefully hiding any symptoms of distress on the outside.

After I had my son the panic attacks worsened. They came on more often and became much more intense. Eventually I stopped going to the places where I had the panic attacks until I was no longer leaving my home. At this point I became a housebound agoraphobic which meant I could not leave my home for anything. During this time my marriage suffered greatly. My husband had to do everything that required leaving home such as taking our son to the doctor, getting groceries, shopping for clothes or diapers and paying bills, etc.

One evening when my son was almost 4 years old he began to suffer severe abdominal pain. He was in a lot of distress and we could not figure out what was wrong with him. His pain seemed to be worsening over time. My husband had to take him to the emergency room of the hospital and I stayed home due to the agoraphobia. This is going to be hard for you who are mothers to understand. I wanted more than anything to go with my baby boy to the hospital but the fear of the inevitable panic attacks that I knew would follow was greater. It was the worst feeling in the world to stay home and have no idea what was wrong with my baby. I felt so inadequate as his mother, not being able to be by his side in his time of greatest need.

I was all alone and pacing the floors while being worried sick over my son. Finally I sat down at my kitchen table and I made a deal with God. God doesn't normally like to make deals with people but if you don't know any better emotionally or spiritually He will meet you wherever you are. I told God that if He would make sure my son had nothing major wrong with him then I promised I would start reading His Word every day.

Hours later my husband called to let me know that our son was fine and only had constipation. I was so relieved and so thankful. I remembered the deal I made with God and I felt like He had made good on his end of the deal and now I was determined to make good on my end of the deal. When my son returned home from the hospital I hugged him tightly and carefully removed the hospital bracelet from his tiny wrist. At the time I saved that hospital bracelet to remind myself of the deal I had made with God and how He had made good on his end. Now I am glad I saved it because that marks the event and day where I began my close relationship with Jesus. I am attaching a scanned picture of my son's hospital bracelet.

I began by reading "Our Daily Bread" devotionals that are free for anyone who requests them. They are short devotional stories with some scripture to read from the bible. If you are interested in feeding your spirit the same way I started, I am attaching a link to the website where you can order "Our Daily Bread" to be mailed or emailed to you directly. https://www.rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/order-devotional.aspx

At first I was only merely respecting my end of the bargain. The daily reading time was not sinking in and the words I read didn't mean anything to me. As time went on though I began to notice that I was enjoying my daily reading time I spent with God. I was beginning to feel a peace I could not describe. As time went on even further I began to look forward to my quiet reading time I spent with God. In the beginning I didn't even know that reading His Word meant I was spending time with Him but as time wore on I began to feel His awesome presence. Now I enjoy my quite time with God immensely and if I miss a day or two I feel it and I miss Him.

For those of you who felt like I described in the first paragraph, let me explain to you that starting a relationship with your Heavenly Father is not much different than starting a relationship with someone you are attracted to. The more time you spend with a person the better you know them. You think about them when you go to bed. You think about them when you first wake up. You think about them all throughout your day. You find yourself falling in love with them. The more time you spend with that person the more you begin to talk like them and think like them and act like them.Your desire is to please that person. Your desire is to be with that person. That, minus the romantic side, is what a personal relationship with Jesus is like. Just as a normal relationship suffers if you don't nurture it or spend time with that person, the same goes for your relationship with Jesus. If you take the time to nurture a relationship with Jesus, you will reap a harvest of blessings and rewards you never dreamed of or could have imagined for yourself.