Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself

I am sure many of you have heard sermon's about forgiveness; I know I have. Anyone who has been living on this earth for any amount of time has had the opportunity to practice forgiveness. Some of you have had many more opportunities to practice forgiveness than others. It is very clear that since we live in a fallen, broken world people will disappoint us; some will hurt us, some will betray us, and some will leave us either through death or by choice.

For me personally, I have been living on this earth for over 40 years now and I have had many opportunities to practice forgiveness. For many years I did not forgive my offenders. I held on to it and let it fester and grow into bitterness and resentment until it poisoned my thoughts, my attitude and my life.

It was not an easy road to take, forgiveness that is. It was a choice I finally made later in life. I can also honestly say that the consequences of unforgiveness was a much harsher, more painful road. I forgave my father for choosing alcohol over his family. I grew up with alcoholism and as a result my parents separated for about three years. When they turned their lives completely over to God He worked a tremendous miracle in their individual lives and in thier marriage. They have a truly amazing story about the healing power of God.

During the time my parents were separated there was a man who used to deliver fresh farm eggs to our home in the city. My mom was a working, single mom trying to raise two young kids and pay a mortgage. This man obviously knew her work schedule and one day he chose to come by early when he knew she would not be home. My younger brother and I would walk home from school and be alone until my mom arrived home from work. I was about 10 or 11 years old. This man, the eggman I used to call him, found his way into my bedroom. I can remember he had the strangest look in his eyes and a wierd smirk on his face. He chased me around my bed until he caught me. He pinned me down on my bed and laid on top of me. I can remember being so scared and that I couldn't breath due to the weight of this large man laying on my tiny frame. Thankfully, my younger brother came home from school shortly after that and showed up in my room, but not before leaving a permanent scar on my young, innocent soul.

The "eggman" was my first experience with sexual assault. I had many more sexual assaults that followed throughout my life. At one time I had made friends with a man who was my hair dresser. I thought I knew him and I trusted him as my friend. One night he went from being my good friend whom I trusted to sexually assaulting me. As he was leaving my room afterwards he turned and looked at me laying on my bed with my clothes torn in pieces and said, "Don't be mad, I just wanted to show you what you were missing."

One Valentine's Day evening after I had been dating my boyfriend for over a year and he had been pressuring me to have sex with him, I gave in and promised him I would sleep with him on Valentine's night. I was a virgin at the time and had every intention of saving myself until I was married. After all the pressure I received from my boyfriend I convinced myself that I loved him and that I would marry him someday so it might be alright for me to sleep with him before marriage. As Valentine's evening progressed and we were starting to "make out" on his bed I got scared and changed my mind. I told him to stop but he didn't. I tried to move away from him until my head was touching the wall in the corner of his bed. I had nowhere left I could move and he was a very strong man. I didn't know it at the time but I had been date-raped by my boyfriend, what a way to lose my virginity.

I have never openly discussed these events from my past. I have only shared these stories with a few close friends and family members. I wanted to share these stories with you in order to give you some idea where I have come from on the road to forgiveness. I have had many other opportunities to exercise forgiveness. I used to blame my father for not being there to protect me when that "eggman" came into my bedroom. I held on to a lot of bitterness over that. I have had many other sexual assault incidents. I have had some really bad bosses in my lifetime. I have had friends betray me and a husband who left me.

A few years after receiving Jesus back into my life the Holy Spirit began to deal with my heart on the subject of forgiveness. I had a long list of people to forgive, let me tell you. At first it was just a simple act of obedience where I said I forgave them but I didn't feel it in my heart. A year or so later I was reading a book that described forgiveness for me in a way that made it easier for me to consider truly forgiving. In this book he said, "When you forgive others, you are not letting them off the hook but giving them to God, still wiggling on the hook. You are now off the hook."1 For some reason that stuck with me and made it easier for me to release all of those people I was trying to hold accountable through my own unforgiveness, bitterness, anger and resentment.

After my husband left me I also made the choice to forgive him. At first it was just words but I did not feel it in my heart. I had also read in another book that if I had truly forgiven someone then I would be able to pray for God to bless them so I decided to pray for God to bless my ex-husband. At first it was just empty words without any feelings involved but my heart began to catch up with my brain and line up with the choice I had made to forgive.

This does not mean that I have forgotten the bad things that have happened to me. It means I can now finally think about those events and talk about those events without them having any negative emotional power over me anymore. It has been a truly freeing and rewarding experience. Now when I talk about my past negative experiences I am doing so to show the healing power of Jesus in my life.

John 8:36 (New Living Translation)
So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.

1 - Sentence is from A More Excellent Way by Henry W. Wright (Pleasant Valley Publications, Seventh Edition, March 2005), p. 98.

Heart issues

I was reading my bible one afternoon and I came across a piece of scripture that literally jumped off the page as I was reading it. Ok, not literally, but it might as well have. The verse caught my eye and I could not help but read it over and over and over again. It was like the font of this one verse was larger and darker than all the others on the page. At that point I realized God was trying to tell me something and I needed to pay close attention.

The verse was Psalm 116:11. I was reading from the NIV which reads as follows:

"And in my dismay I said, all men are liars."

The part that really jumped off the page was actually, "all men are liars." By drawing my attention to this particular piece of scripture, God was revealing to me a problem I had in my heart. God saw a heart issue that I needed to be made aware of so that I could deal with it and then enjoy a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him.

Everyone has had their share of problems growing up and I am no exception. I have been targeted by men with inappropriate sexual desires. This began at around the tender young age of 11. My childhood innocence was robbed by men seeking to satisfy their own evil desires. No one ever came to my rescue, not even God. That is how I felt. I had received Jesus into my heart at a young age and I often asked God, why did you allow this to happen to me?

In an effort to make sense about what had happened and in order to protect myself in the future, I made a vow. I vowed never to allow a man to get close enough to hurt me again. I told myself, "No man can ever be trusted!" My father hadn't been there to protect me as I thought he should be. He didn't come to my rescue. How could he? My parents were separated. I felt that if my parents had not been separated, this man would not have had the opportunity to be alone with me as he did.

The feeling of abandonment by my father grew deeper after this happened. I had already felt abandoned by my father. First, I had felt rejected and abandoned because I had been born at a time in his life when he was not ready to be a father and a child feels that. Second, He then chose alcohol over our family which led to my parents splitting up.

Back to that piece of scripture. After reading over that piece of scripture several times, my Heavenly Father spoke to my heart. He said, "When you made that vow as a young girl, you included me." I was in shock. He was right. I never realized that before but He was absolutely right. I had blamed God for allowing that to happen to me. I had blamed my earthly father too for not being there to protect me. I repented and I cried.

When I made that vow with myself to never trust another man, it kept me from trusting my Heavenly Father. "All men cannot be trusted," that was my version of the truth. Satan planted that lie in my head and I continued to believe that lie for many, many years. Now I know that believing the lie Satan planted in my head as my version of the truth only brought destruction and sorrow. God exposed Satan's lie and revealed the truth. God's truth brings healing to my soul and life to my spirit. Since I was eagerly seeking a close relationship with God, I was feasting on His Word (the bible) every day. And in doing so, He revealed the truth and it set me free from the lies that I had been believing for so long. I used to feel so afraid, ashamed and tainted, but now I feel safe and loved, secure and free. Just like it says in His Word, John 8:31,32:

"If you abide in My Word [hold fast to My teachings and live in accordance with them], you are truly My disciples. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

You know, there is a direct correlation between a person's relationship with their earthly father and their relationship with their Heavenly Father. I have been seeking a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and He pointed out this heart issue so that I could deal with it and have that relationship that I was seeking. Yes, it was hard to revisit that time in my life, but He knew I was ready and I was ok because He was walking me through it.

I now know everything that happens in life is God-filtered. I also know we live in a fallen, broken world, full of sin and decay. Because of this and man's free will, man can make choices, either for good or for evil. I also know that God can use anything in life. He can take those awful, painful experiences from the past and turn them into something that can be used for good. That is exactly what He has done here. Because He has walked me through this process, I am now able to share my experiences with others. I am no longer afraid or ashamed to talk about it and in doing so, I am giving others the freedom and courage to do the same. I have heard Joyce Meyer say, "What we hide has power over us" and that is so true.