Update On Finding My Lost Niece

If you haven't read my blog post titled "God answers prayers" in my August 2009 archives, I strongly suggest going back and reading that post before reading any further as this is an update to that post.

In August 2009 I shared with you how God had led me to finding my long lost niece and that after 12 years of prayer I found her. We became facebook friends and started communicating regularly. I found her in July and started communication with her. In August I met her, now 15 years old, face to face for the first time in 12 years.

She told me about how she had been kicked out of her home and was now living with a different aunt and uncle out of town. Shortly after that I found out she really wanted to return to her high school here in the city where all of her friends were. She didn't know anyone in that small town she lived in. I was always the new kid in a small town and I totally related to how she felt and I hated it when I was her age. I was so happy to have found her and I felt so badly about her situation that I found myself offering her the possibility of living with me since her school was not far from my place.

I couldn't believe I had even offered. Me, the one who has struggled with panic disorder and agoraphobia, the one who couldn't stand having anyone come inside my home to visit let alone live, was offering my niece, whom I didn't know, a place to live? Not only that but I had a renter in my basement suite which provided an income I relied on, and if she moved in I would have to open up the basement suite and give her the basement bedroom. She quickly responded to my offer. I explained the renter situation, etc. She assured me she would take herself to school and home and get a job and help out, that we would be a team.

I prayed about it a lot and I knew I would need something to replace the lost income. I decided that if my family offered to support her, that that would be my confirmation that God wanted me to do this. My parents, being super excited to finally meet her again, offered to help pay support. My brother, her dad, offered a small amount as he was struggling to make ends meet at the moment. This was all I needed to know to move forward with my plan. I was so super excited about finding her and getting the chance to know her. From that point on, things moved very quickly. By October 1st my niece had moved into my home and was living with me and my son. I offered to drive her to school since I drove my son to school.

Things became very difficult very quickly. She was not an easy person to communicate with. You might be thinking, that is how all teenage girls are, but I know how teenage girls are and there was a lot more to this than the average teenage girl behavior. She has a huge wall up and pushes everyone away with her hurtful words and bad attitude. I tried to break through. She was completely rude and disrespectful to me. She would curse at me and call me names. I did not know how to respond to that and it was bringing back bad emotions from my previous marriage. I was a wreck. I even began having nightmares of being chased and murdered like I used to during the bad times in my marriage.

I became very stressed out over my living situation. I no longer felt safe or relaxed in my own home. I didn't want to be alone with this girl and it was breaking my heart. It was breaking my heart because of how she was responding to me and the fact that I knew she was responding in such horrible ways for a reason that I did not know.

After feeling like I could not go on living in such a negative, draining environment another day and praying often for God to show me what to do, I believe I found my answer. One day in one of the stories I was reading from my Joyce Meyer magazine titled, "How much is too much?" by Joyce Meyer she said, "We're not supposed to be stressed out, frustrated and just hanging on by our fingernails, trying all the time to make it through one more day. It is okay for us to say, I have reached my limit. Yes, scripture says I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me, but that is really referring to times when we face various trials and situations that God will help us through. It doesn't mean we take on so many responsibilities like the woman who works full-time, while raising five kids, serving on the church board, etc. Maybe all this is easy for a few people, but for most of us, it is too much and that is okay. You and I don't have to be like everyone else or keep up with anyone else. Each of us needs to be who God created us to be, and we don't have to apologize for it. We need to find the comfort zone God has established for us to live in, so we can enjoy our life, instead of making ourselves sick with with an overload of stress and pressure."

That is exactly how I was feeling, like I was hanging on by my fingernails. That message hit home for me and I cried. The thought of quitting and having my niece move out had been weighing heavy on my mind for quite some time and when I read this I felt like I had been given permission to admit that it was too much for me. Then I received even more confirmation during my devotional reading time. It said, "I believe that serving God is easy if we learn to hear from Him and simply obey rather than struggle to do things He never asked us to do for Him. Take time to seek God about whether your works are His works. Is He leading you to do them? If you discover that you are involved in works of the flesh and that God has NOT given you the grace to do them, do not be afraid to lay them down and seek Him about His will for your life. Remember, it will not always be easy, but there will be comfort, grace and pleasure associated with doing His works. Jesus wants to lighten the load you have been carrying all by yourself and give you rest."

That was exactly what I needed to hear. That is exactly how I had been feeling. There was no grace, no comfort and no pleasure associated with taking care of my niece. It was a constant daily struggle. I asked myself, could it be that I had missed God and that it was not part of His plan to have her move in with me? Could it be that God had led me to find her to begin a relationship with her and introduce her to the other half of her family, but not to have her live with me?

Nine months after my niece moved in, after school ended in June 2010, my niece moved back to the place she was living out of town before she came to live with me. Her father had offered her the opportunity to live with him, but she refused. I truly believe that I missed God and went out of His plan for my life. I had been operating in the flesh and trying to care of her in the flesh. He never told me to take her into my home, that was MY desire, not his and I made a mistake. I believe I allowed my emotions to get involved and I made a rash decision. I have heard Joyce Meyer say, "let your emotions subside and then decide." That is one very smart piece of advice and I have learned my lesson the hard way.

I had been so distracted by my niece, I wasn't even able to blog anymore. It has been a very long time since my last post and I apologize. This was a hard post to blog because I feel like I failed and I am also embarrassed about missing God so badly. I also know, though, that by my sharing with you how I missed God, it will give you permission not feel bad when and if you find out that you have missed God. Sometimes we miss God, but He always knows how to find us.

Upon moving back to where my niece used to live out of town, her aunt and uncle warned her that she must obey the rules and if she breaks them she will be taken to live with her dad. Three short months later she moved (against her will) to her dad's place where she is presently residing. I am praying that God will use the time I shared with her to somehow minister into her wounded heart. I am also praying that her father will be able to minister into her wounded heart and life now as well. Please join with me in praying for this poor wounded soul.

Jesus visits me in a dream

If you read my August post titled "God answers prayers," you will know that I have recently found a long lost niece whom I had not seen for 12 years. I found her on facebook on July 22, 2009. The last time I had seen her she was 3 years old. She is now 15. She had been raised by an aunt and uncle after her mother had passed away at the age of three. After finding her and beginning communication with her I soon learned that she had been kicked out of her home, the place where she had been raised since she was three. She had been uprooted and forced to leave the only home she had ever known. She had to leave her siblings, her friends, her school and the city where she had been raised and move to a small town where another aunt and uncle cared for her.

After hearing about her situation and her strong desire to return to her home city, school and friends, I wondered if there was anything I could do to help. My family moved around a lot when I was growing up. I knew what it felt like to move and change schools. I knew what it felt like to be the new kid in school. High school was even worse, especially in a small town. I prayed about it a lot and asked God for guidance.

Ephesians 1:16-19 (The message)

I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!

One evening I was chatting with her on facebook and I noticed the words forming through my fingers onto our chat screen before I was even aware of what I had typed. It was like my fingers had a mind of their own. I paused and read what I had just typed. I had mentioned something like "if only she could live with me." Before that I had never even entertained the thought of inviting her to live with me. To be honest, it shocked me to see that it had come out so easily. I felt it must have been the work of the Holy Spirit.

At first it seemed my niece was not comfortable with the idea of living with me. I could not blame her being that I was a complete stranger to her. As the beginning of the school year drew nearer however she warmed up to the idea. There were many things that would have to fall into place in order for this to happen. I had a renter living in my basement suite. I relied on the rental income. I was a single mom and a student. I had no other source of income. I would have to give my tenant 30-days notice to move out so that I could have the basement bedroom for her. I would need to find a way to compensate for the loss of income. I prayed about it and I knew that if this was indeed God's will then the pieces would fall into place.

There was also the issue of the panic disorder that I struggled with and I wondered if I could even handle a new person living in my home. My home had always been my "safe place" and whenever I had anyone in my home I often became very anxious and sometimes panicky. I asked God if I was ready and able to do this and more importantly if He wanted me to do this? I questioned whether I was able to take on such a responsibility. The Holy Spirit brought the following scripture to mind:

2 Corinthians 12:9 (The message)

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride.."

One afternoon while I was feeding my spirit by reading God's Word, I came across a scripture that spoke to me. This was after I had been praying and asking God if He wanted me to open up my home to my niece and take care of her. This is the scripture:

Psalm 146:9 (NLT)

The Lord protects the foreigners among us. He cares for the orphans and widows, but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.

I had always thought of my niece as an orphan. She had lost her mom at the tender young age of three and shortly after that she had lost her dad too. I felt like God was saying that my taking her under my wing and into my home was His way of caring for his child, my niece. If I wanted to take it one step further I could consider myself the widow in this scripture. I lost my husband, only it was not to death and now God was providing the way to care for both of us.

On the evening of August 12, 2009, during the period of time when I was questioning whether I would be capable enough to take on this responsibility I had a dream. I was standing in a large crowd feeling the way I usually do in real life when I am standing amongst a group of people. I was feeling intimidated, shy and insecure. I was feeling like no one wanted to hear what I had to say nor did anyone care, like I had nothing significant to contribute to any conversation.

All of a sudden this tall, dark man walks up behind me. I can't remember if he placed his hands on each side of my head or on my shoulders be he stood directly behind me. He pressed his nose into the back of my head and took a deep breath, like he was enjoying the smell of my hair. Then he said, "Do you know how special you are?" Instantly I felt so loved, so secure and so special.

The memory of that dream did not come back to me until later on in the day. When I remembered the dream those strong feelings of love and security came flooding back. Instantly I was overwhelmed with the feeling of how much God loved me and how special I was to Him. It was at that moment that I realized the man in my dream was Jesus and this dream was a message from God. He was reassuring me that I was ready and able to do what I needed to do because it was part of His plan. Do you want to hear the funniest part though? In my dream He looked like that actor Brendan Fraser in the movie “Blast from the Past.”

I told my brother and my parents about my intentions to help my niece. The rest was up to God. I soon found out that my parents and my brother (her father) would be willing to pay "child support" if she were to live with me. That along with the scriptures and the dream was all the confirmation I needed to move forward with the plan.

Ephesians 3:20 (The message)

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Flower’s For Valentine’s Day

A heartwarming true story of God's love!

It was a cold winter day on January 23^rd, 2004, and my non-believing husband had just moved out and left me. He broke the news to me the night before. I was not heartbroken because the years leading up to his moving out had been full of strife. He had emotionally checked out of our marriage long before he decided to physically move out. Before my husband moved out, I used to lie awake in bed and think to myself, "It is lonelier being married and being ignored day after day than it would be to actually live alone." It turns out I was right. After he had moved out and I had settled into my new life as a single mom, my life became more peaceful.

The days following my husband leaving left me feeling completely devastated. I wondered how I was going to support myself and my seven-year-old son. How was I going to earn an income and pay my bills? Being a full-time mom, out of the work force for seven years and having Agoraphobia (a severe panic disorder that has left me housebound except for the small comfort zone of about a 10 block radius around my home that I can drive) had put me at a huge disadvantage. I focused on getting the basement suite fixed up and ready to rent out as soon as possible, which would help pay my bills. My parents came into town one weekend to help. They spent over a lot of money out of their own pocket, helping me renovate the basement suite. I am truly thankful and blessed to have their help and support.

Now Valentine's Day would soon be here and I was thinking about this being my first Valentine's Day as a single mom. Even though for the past few years my husband had stopped celebrating Valentine's Day with me, just the thought of not having a valentine seemed very sad. One day I found myself standing in the Safeway grocery store, staring at the beautiful variety of fragrant, bright, colorful flowers. There was a tiny yellow rose bush that caught my eye. How cheerful and bright it looked. I wanted to buy it but I knew that I had to keep myself on a tight budget.

I had been praying and leaning on God throughout this whole process and I knew He was listening and caring for me. I have an Easter Lily plant that has been hanging in the same spot and in the same pot for the past 10 years and it has never bloomed, not at Easter or any other time. On the morning of Valentine's Day, I woke up and I noticed my Easter Lily was in full bloom, with not only one beautiful Easter Lily, but two on the end of a very long stalk. I was in awe, I didn't even see the stalk growing leading up to that; it was like it grew overnight. It wasn't until later that week that I realized how significant that moment was. I realized that God had sent me those two lilies for Valentine's Day to show me how much He loved me and that he was caring for me and hearing my every prayer. Not only that, but I believe He sent me two lilies on the end of one stalk to tell me that He will take care of my son and myself and that I should not worry because He loves me and He will meet our needs. I was filled with so much peace; it was like I could feel His loving presence all around me.

That wasn't the only message I received from God that weekend. During my morning devotional reading from "Our Daily Bread," I could not help but feel like the message that day was meant for me. It was titled, "Starting Over," and it was about a mother and her son named Justin, who was in the first grade. My son's name is Justin, he is in grade two and we are starting over. Those feelings I had before of God's loving presence, they were back now in full force as I read the devotional reading that morning.

Once I put all of the pieces together, I stared at those lilies for a very long time. I took many pictures, one is attached below. I wanted to seize that moment and keep it close to my heart forever. I felt so special and so loved. The feelings I had that day were overwhelming and still surge through me as I write this message. In the midst of my personal chaos, I am at peace. For my God is the God of comfort and peace. I know God is at work in my life. Everything that is happening in my life, God can and will use for His greater purpose. I just have to be patient and wait for the calm after the storm. Our God is an awesome God!!

Over the years I have found that God often confirms things for me by either using "The Daily Bread" devotionals or His Living Word. There have been many times now that I have been wondering or struggling with something and the very next day, there it is in black and white, my answer.